Forgiving others can be hard. We may think we have forgiven someone in our lives, but then we are somehow reminded of their offenses and our resentment flares. We find that, in spite of our intention, we are holding a grudge.
This often happens because we don’t fully understand what genuine forgiveness is.
Many think of forgiveness as “shrugging things off.” But merely putting our resentment out of our conscious minds only amounts to repression. The repressed resentment still lurks in our unconscious and influences our conduct in subtle ways.
Later, after our willful effort to ignore it fades, and upon being reminded of the offense, our submerged resentment buoys back up to the surface of our consciousness and then drives our conduct in not-so-subtle (and often not-so-constructive) ways.
The only way to truly rid ourselves of resentment—to truly forgive—is not to repress our resentment, but to resolve it.
Like all natural human emotions, resentment has a function. And like all natural human emotions, it only is dysfunctional when it is ill-founded, overgrown, or misdirected.
Resentment is anger over perceived wrongdoing. The function of resentment is to call wrongdoing to attention and to motivate addressing it: which is a good and necessary process.
Resentment is only a sin when it is wrathful or wrongheaded.
Resentment is wrathful when it is excessive and when it becomes a perverse preoccupation with seeing someone else suffer, not for the sake of correction and restoration of the right, but out of vain spite.
Another possibliity is that our perception of wrongdoing is faulty. It might be rooted in an unjust sense of entitlement. Or it might be driven by a meddlesome busybody mentality: the notion that remedying the faults of others is our responsibility and not theirs.
The way to resolve wrathful or wrongheaded resentment is to do the self-work necessary to fix the underlying causes within ourselves.
If your resentment is neither wrathful nor wrongheaded, then the way to resolve it is to act appropriately on it with regard to the person who wronged you.
That can mean raising the issue with the other person, even if it means a difficult conversation. The key here is to do so constructively, seeking an actual solution, and not merely venting or seeking vain vengeance by scolding or guilt-tripping the other person.
If the wrongdoer is unwilling to make things right, and if the resentment continues to linger, then you may need to change how you associate with the person in order to let go of your grudge.
What you definitely should not do is try to ignore your resentment or silently stew in it. That will only cause your resentment to fester and infect your inner peace and outer conduct.
As Jordan B. Peterson wrote in his book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos:
“There are only two major reasons for resentment: being taken advantage of (or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of), or whiny refusal to adopt responsibility and grow up. If you’re resentful, look for the reasons.”
Forgiving is not forgetting. True forgiveness follows from appropriately processing and resolving resentment, not from repressing it.
Dropping a note to say that I read this and spent time considering your words. Bravo.